Do Abusers Know What They Are Doing? A Deep Dive into the Psychology of Abuse
Abusers: Calculated Manipulators or Subconscious Saboteurs?
1. The Calculators: Deliberate Manipulation
Some abusers are fully aware of their actions and use calculated tactics to control their victims. They employ methods like gaslighting, isolation, and intermittent reinforcement, all of which have been extensively studied in the context of coercive control. These individuals understand the power of fear, guilt, and confusion and use these emotions to maintain dominance.
Research Insight: Dr. Evan Stark’s work on coercive control highlights that abusers often refine their tactics over time, tailoring their manipulation to their victim’s vulnerabilities. They know how to exploit emotional ties and societal pressures to trap their victims, demonstrating a high level of intentionality.
2. The Unaware: Subconscious Reenactment of Trauma
Other abusers may not fully grasp the harm they’re causing. Instead, they operate on autopilot, repeating patterns learned in childhood. If they grew up in abusive environments, they may normalize harmful behaviors as a way to protect themselves or maintain control in relationships.
Research Insight: Studies on the intergenerational transmission of abuse, such as those by Herrenkohl et al. (2004), show that children exposed to abuse are more likely to become abusers themselves. However, this is not inevitable—many survivors actively choose to break the cycle.
3. The Middle Ground: Mixed Awareness
Many abusers fall between these two extremes. They may recognize that their actions are harmful but justify them through blame-shifting, minimizing the impact, or rationalizing their behavior. This cognitive dissonance allows them to avoid full accountability while continuing their abusive behavior.
Research Insight: Studies on intimate partner violence (IPV) reveal that abusers often use rationalizations like “It was just a joke” or “I didn’t mean to hurt you” to downplay their behavior. Such justifications perpetuate abuse without genuine change.
Why Do Abusers Use These Tactics?
At the heart of abusive behavior is a desire for power and control. Abusers thrive on dominance and leverage tactics like intermittent reinforcement to maintain their grip on their victims.
Intermittent Reinforcement: The Abuser’s Secret Weapon
How It Works: Abusers alternate between periods of affection and cruelty, creating an emotional rollercoaster. This keeps victims hooked, as they cling to the hope of returning to the “good times.”
The Science: Studies on the brain’s reward system, such as those by Schultz et al. (1997), reveal that intermittent rewards trigger dopamine surges, making the cycle addictive. Victims find it harder to leave as their brain becomes wired to anticipate “rewards” amid the abuse. (The research on this is fascinating and will be discussed more in future posts).
Why Abusers Use It: They exploit the brain’s chemistry to trap their victims, ensuring compliance and emotional dependence.
Abusive Personalities Are Highly Predictable
Despite the illusion of complexity, abusers are not mysterious—they are highly predictable. They operate on repetitive patterns and cycles, and once you recognize these behaviors, they become easy to identify.
How to Spot an Abusive Personality?
The number one sign of a pathological abuser is their patterns of behavior. Abusers are constantly recreating the same relationship dynamics, manipulation tactics, and excuses across multiple relationships and environments. They don’t change; they just change victims.
Common Predictable Abusive Tactics:
Future-faking: Making grand promises about change or commitment that never materialize.
Manufacturing chaos: Creating unnecessary drama or crises to maintain control.
Weaponized incompetence: Acting clueless or helpless to force their victim to take on more responsibility.
Playing the victim: Flipping the narrative to gain sympathy when held accountable.
Abusers are reliable in their dysfunction—they repeat the same toxic behaviors, moving from one relationship to another, leaving a trail of emotional damage. If someone consistently cycles through abusive relationships, it’s a clear indication of a pathological pattern.
Are Abusers Capable of Change?
Here’s the hard truth: most abusers lack the moral compass and emotional intelligence to genuinely change. They don’t see their behavior as a problem—at least, not for themselves. What they might change is their strategy, becoming more sophisticated in their manipulation if their current tactics stop working.
Why Change is Rare:
Entitlement: Abusers often believe they are entitled to control others. This mindset is deeply ingrained and resistant to change.
Lack of Accountability: Many abusers avoid therapy or use it as another tool for manipulation, presenting themselves as victims to garner sympathy.
No Moral Compass: Research shows that abusers frequently lack empathy and moral integrity. Studies on narcissistic traits in abusers, like those by Campbell et al. (2004), demonstrate a correlation between abusive behaviors and a self-centered worldview.
So, Do Abusers Know What They’re Doing?
✔ Yes, Many Do: Some abusers are coldly calculating, employing manipulation tactics to achieve their goals with full awareness of the harm they’re causing.
✔ Not Always: Others act out subconscious patterns but still choose not to reflect, seek help, or stop their behavior. Their lack of awareness does not absolve them of responsibility.
The Takeaway: Stop Wasting Energy on Abusers
If you’re wondering whether an abuser can change, the answer lies in their actions—not their promises. Abusers rarely change in meaningful ways, and waiting for them to do so only prolongs the harm. Instead, focus on your own healing. Understanding the tactics they use can empower you to break free and reclaim your life.
You deserve relationships built on respect, trust, and equality—not manipulation and control. The best way to outgrow an abuser is to invest in your own growth and leave them behind to wrestle with the emptiness of their own unchanging ways.
References:
Herrenkohl, T. I., et al. (2004). "The intergenerational transmission of abusive parenting practices: Testing the effects of social learning and attachment theories." Journal of Family Violence.
Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. Oxford University Press.
Schultz, W., et al. (1997). "A neural substrate of prediction and reward." Science.
Campbell, W. K., et al. (2004). "Narcissism and romantic attraction." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
