Why It’s So Hard to Grieve an Abusive Relationship: The Role of Cognitive Dissonance

Leaving an abusive relationship isn’t just about walking away—it’s about navigating the emotional aftermath. Many survivors expect relief but instead feel grief, confusion, and self-doubt. The mind struggles to reconcile the pain with the moments of love and connection that once felt real. Cognitive dissonance plays a big role in this, creating conflicting thoughts like: “They hurt me, but I know they loved me” or “There were good times, so was it really that bad?” These contradictions can keep survivors emotionally tied to their abuser long after leaving. Grief in these relationships isn’t just about missing the person—it’s about mourning what could have been and coming to terms with the reality of what was. Healing means learning to accept both truths, breaking free from self-blame, and reclaiming a sense of self.