Why It’s So Hard to Grieve an Abusive Relationship: The Role of Cognitive Dissonance
Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the most difficult things a person can do—not just because of the logistics of leaving, but because of the emotional grief that follows. While it may seem like escaping abuse should bring relief, many survivors find themselves feeling deeply conflicted, lost, and even questioning their own reality.
A key reason for this struggle is cognitive dissonance—a psychological phenomenon that occurs when we hold two conflicting beliefs or emotions at the same time. In the case of an abusive relationship, the conflict often sounds like:
“They hurt me, but they also loved me.”
“There were good times, so was it really that bad?”
“They were cruel, but I also miss them.”
These contradictions can keep a survivor emotionally tied to their abuser long after the relationship ends, making grieving the loss incredibly complex.
Cognitive Dissonance in Abusive Relationships
One of the biggest struggles survivors face is reconciling the reality of the abuse with the moments of love or connection they experienced. Unlike healthy relationships that end due to mutual decisions or incompatibility, abusive relationships operate in a cycle—one that keeps victims hooked through inconsistency and hope.
1. The Abuser Is Not “All Bad,” All the Time
Most abusers are not cruel 100% of the time—if they were, leaving would be easy. Instead, they intermittently reinforce their partner’s emotional attachment with kindness, apologies, and promises of change. These “good” moments create confusion:
“If they were truly abusive, why do I remember so many good times?”
“Maybe it wasn’t abuse. Maybe I was just overreacting.”
This push-and-pull dynamic keeps the survivor emotionally invested, even when the relationship is toxic.
2. Survival, Self-Blame, and Rationalization
To survive an abusive relationship, many victims unconsciously rationalize their experiences:
“They were stressed; they didn’t mean it.”
“If I had just been better, they wouldn’t have acted that way.”
“At least they weren’t physically abusive.”
These thoughts serve as a coping mechanism, making it easier to stay than to face the full weight of the abuse. But when the relationship ends, these rationalizations begin to unravel, forcing the survivor to confront the truth—which can be incredibly painful.
3. Trauma Bonding and Emotional Withdrawal
Abusive relationships create an addiction-like attachment, known as trauma bonding. Because abusers cycle between affection and cruelty, the survivor’s brain becomes wired to crave the moments of love while enduring the pain.
Leaving an abuser is similar to quitting an addiction: it feels worse before it feels better. The sudden absence of emotional highs and lows can leave survivors feeling:
Lost and empty without the relationship’s intensity.
Physically and emotionally distressed, as if they’re going through withdrawal.
Tempted to return, because the abuser feels familiar, even if they were harmful.
This is one of the most common reasons survivors go back, even after making the decision to leave.
Why Grieving an Abusive Relationship Is So Difficult
Grief isn’t just about missing a person—it’s about mourning what we thought the relationship was and who we hoped that person could become.
1. Mourning the Potential, Not the Reality
Many survivors don’t actually miss the abuser—they miss:
The hope that the relationship could have been different.
The moments when the abuser was kind.
The illusion of love and connection.
It’s painful to accept that the person who once made us feel special was also capable of causing deep harm.
2. Loss of Control and Purpose
For many survivors, the relationship became a project—something to fix or save. They may have spent years:
Trying to make their partner happy.
Adjusting their behavior to avoid conflict.
Believing that if they just loved hard enough, things would change.
Leaving forces the realization that no amount of effort could have made the relationship healthy. This loss of control can be devastating.
3. Emotional Numbness and Detachment
Some survivors describe their grief as feeling like it’s “behind a wall”—they know they should feel relief, but instead, they feel exhausted, numb, or empty. This is often due to dissociation, a survival mechanism that helps people cope with overwhelming trauma.
In these cases, grief doesn’t show up right away, it may emerge weeks, months, or even years later when the survivor finally feels safe enough to process what happened.
The Neuroscience of Trauma Bonds: Why We Stay Attached
Abusive relationships create a powerful neurological and biochemical attachment, similar to addiction. This process is called trauma bonding, which occurs when cycles of abuse and affection create a chemical dependency in the brain.
1. Dopamine and the Reward System
Dopamine, the brain’s “feel-good” chemical, is released in response to both reward and unpredictability.
In an abusive relationship, affection and cruelty come in unpredictable cycles—one moment the abuser is loving, the next they are cruel.
This intermittent reinforcement strengthens attachment because the brain chases the “high” of affection, even in the presence of harm.
Research has shown that dopamine release is heightened when rewards are unpredictable, which is why survivors feel an intense emotional craving for their abuser after leaving.
2. Cortisol and Stress Responses
Cortisol, the body's primary stress hormone, floods the system during abuse, triggering the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response.
Over time, repeated stress exposure dysregulates the nervous system, making survivors hyper-vigilant, anxious, and emotionally dependent on the abuser for relief.
This creates a cycle where the abuser becomes both the source of stress and the source of comfort, reinforcing the trauma bond.
3. Oxytocin and Emotional Attachment
Known as the “love hormone,” oxytocin is released through physical touch, emotional intimacy, and bonding behaviors.
Even in abusive relationships, moments of kindness or physical closeness trigger oxytocin surges, deepening the emotional connection.
This is why survivors often feel an intense, almost physical pain when separating from their abuser—it’s a neurological withdrawal process.
4. PTSD and Memory Formation
The amygdala, responsible for processing fear and emotions, becomes hyperactive in abusive relationships, causing heightened emotional responses.
The hippocampus, which processes memory, can shrink due to prolonged stress, making it difficult to differentiate past trauma from present reality.
This explains why survivors struggle with intrusive memories, flashbacks, and emotional dysregulation, even after the abuse has ended.
The Result? Emotional Addiction
This combination of biochemical changes means that leaving an abusive relationship feels like withdrawal from an addictive substance. Survivors often feel:
Cravings for their abuser, even knowing they were harmful.
Intense guilt and self-blame, due to dysregulated emotional processing.
Heightened emotional pain and emptiness, due to oxytocin and dopamine withdrawal.
This is why survivors often return to their abusers multiple times before leaving for good. The brain itself has been conditioned to seek the abuser for relief, even when logically, the survivor knows they need to leave.
How to Work Through Cognitive Dissonance and Grief
1. Accept That Both Realities Exist
It is okay to acknowledge that there were good moments in the relationship while still recognizing that it was abusive. The two are not mutually exclusive.
Instead of thinking, “Maybe they weren’t that bad,” try:
“They had good qualities, but they still hurt me.”
“I can miss them while also knowing I deserve better.”
This helps resolve the mental tug-of-war between idealization and reality.
2. Identify the Patterns
Survivors often get stuck grieving the best parts of the relationship while forgetting the worst. Keeping a journal of specific incidents—both good and bad—can help balance memory vs. reality.
3. Allow Yourself to Grieve Without Judgment
Grieving an abuser doesn’t mean you weren’t harmed—it means you’re human. It’s okay to miss the connection, to feel sad, or even to still love them.
Healing doesn’t mean forcing yourself to “hate” them—it means accepting the full picture and making peace with your emotions.
4. Challenge Self-Blame
No one deserves abuse. It wasn’t your fault, and nothing you could have done would have changed the abuser’s behavior.
Instead of asking, “Why did I stay?”, try asking:
“Why did they choose to treat me that way?”
“What kept me in the relationship, and how can I break that pattern?”
Shifting the focus away from self-blame and toward self-understanding is key to breaking free emotionally.
5. Rebuild Your Identity
Many survivors lose themselves in abusive relationships. Healing involves rediscovering who you are outside of that connection.
Try asking:
What are my interests, outside of them?
What kind of love do I deserve?
Who was I before this relationship, and who do I want to become?
Final Thoughts: Grieving Is Healing
Grieving an abusive relationship is uniquely painful because you’re not just mourning a person—you’re mourning:
The love you deserved but never received.
The hope you held onto.
The parts of yourself you lost.
But healing isn’t about letting go of the past—it’s about reclaiming your future. You survived. And now, you get to rebuild.
If you’re struggling with grief, know that you are not alone—healing takes time, but every step forward is a step toward freedom.
