The Biggest Warning Sign of a Potential Abuser: How They Talk About Their Ex and Use Them to Manipulate You
When dating, one of the clearest indicators of someone’s character is how they talk about their exes. While it’s natural to have feelings about past relationships, abusive individuals often weaponize their exes—whether by demonizing them, avoiding accountability, or pitting you against them through triangulation. These behaviors are not only red flags but warning signs of a pattern of control, manipulation, and emotional immaturity.
1. Demonizing the Ex
One of the earliest signs of trouble is when someone obsessively criticizes or disparages their ex, painting an overly simplistic and polarized picture of them. This person is often labeled as “crazy,” “toxic,” or “unstable,” while the abuser positions themselves as a victim. Common statements might include:
“She was impossible to deal with.”
“He ruined my life.”
“They were so jealous and controlling.”
This demonization isn’t just venting—it’s a manipulation tactic. Here’s why they do it:
Deflecting Accountability: By blaming their ex for everything, they avoid taking responsibility for their own role in the relationship’s breakdown. This shifts focus away from their own unhealthy behaviors, allowing you to justify their actions because of what they’ve “been through.”
Testing Your Allegiance: Demonizing their ex is a way to see if you’ll blindly believe their version of events. Make no mistake—this is a test of your compliance and how easily you can be manipulated in the future.
Setting a Precedent: How they speak about their ex is a preview of how they’ll talk about you if the relationship ends. Many believe they’ll be the exception, failing to see that the problem lies in the abuser’s character, not the ex’s behavior.
In contrast, healthy individuals don’t feel the need to vilify their exes. They approach past relationships with nuance, acknowledge their own mistakes, and move forward with emotional maturity.
2. Manufactured Jealousy Through Triangulation
Abusers don’t just demonize their ex—they often use them as a weapon in the current relationship through triangulation. This manipulation tactic involves creating unnecessary tension between you and their ex, keeping you insecure and competing for their approval.
Signs of Triangulation
Excessive Comparisons: They frequently compare you to their ex, whether positively or negatively:
“She never acted jealous like you.”
“He always supported me more than you do.”
These comments are designed to erode your confidence and make you feel like you’re falling short.
Claiming the Ex Wants Them Back: They insinuate or outright state that their ex is still reaching out or trying to rekindle the relationship.
“She keeps texting me about how much she regrets losing me.”
“He still asks if we can get back together.”
This is often exaggerated or completely fabricated to keep you feeling insecure.
Highlighting the Ex’s Appeal: While demonizing their ex, they may also subtly praise them. This creates confusion and pressure for you to emulate the positive traits they claim their ex had while avoiding the behaviors they criticized.
“She was so crazy, but she really knew how to [positive trait].”
Why They Do It
Control: By fostering a sense of competition, they ensure you stay focused on winning their approval rather than questioning their behavior.
Validation: Your jealousy and insecurity feed their ego, making them feel desired and powerful.
Isolation: By discouraging you from seeking the ex’s perspective, they ensure their narrative remains unchallenged.
3. Avoiding Accountability
Both demonizing an ex and triangulating you against them serve a larger purpose: avoiding accountability. Abusers rarely reflect on their own behaviors or take responsibility for the failures of past relationships. Instead, they deflect blame onto external factors or the other person entirely. This refusal to accept accountability reveals a pattern of emotional immaturity, manipulation, and a lack of self-awareness.
Why This Matters
When someone demonizes their ex or uses them as a manipulation tool, it reveals critical insights about their character:
Unresolved Anger: Their obsession with their ex indicates they’re still emotionally entangled, which can create instability in your relationship.
Pattern of Blame: If they blame all their past relationship issues on their ex, it’s likely they’ll do the same with you.
Lack of Empathy: Criticizing an ex’s mental health or struggles shows a lack of compassion, which may extend to how they treat you in vulnerable moments.
Control Through Insecurity: Triangulation fosters jealousy and self-doubt, ensuring you remain emotionally dependent on them.
What Healthy Looks Like
A healthy partner doesn’t need to obsess over or vilify their ex. Instead, they approach past relationships with maturity, accountability, and a sense of closure. For example, they might say:
“It didn’t work out, but I learned a lot from that relationship.”
“We had our issues, and I’m working on how I contributed to them.”
“We’ve both moved on, and I wish them the best.”
These statements reflect emotional maturity, self-awareness, and a focus on building a stable and respectful relationship with you.
What to Do If You See These Red Flags
If you notice these behaviors, it’s crucial to protect yourself:
Ask Questions: “What do you think your role was in your past relationship issues?” If they deflect, minimize, or refuse to answer, it’s a major red flag.
Set Boundaries: Be clear about your discomfort when they bring up their ex excessively or compare you to them.
Trust Your Instincts: If their behavior makes you feel insecure, manipulated, or unsettled, don’t ignore those feelings.
Observe Patterns: Pay attention to how they talk about past relationships—do they always play the victim, or do they show accountability and growth?
The Bottom Line
When someone obsesses over their ex, demonizes them, or triangulates you against them, it’s not just a red flag—it’s a warning siren. Healthy partners create security, mutual respect, and a foundation for growth, not competition. How they speak about their past relationships is often a reflection of how they’ll treat you in the future. If you notice these behaviors early on, trust yourself enough to walk away.
